Why Me?

My first real memory of realizing that I was not "ok" was while I was in a relationship that was spiraling into a terrible place.  That was the first time that I considered "checking out". The pain of the situation and betrayal became overwhelming.  I mentally blacked out and was told by a friend that saw me, I was walking towards the highway that was near my home. She called out to me and when I didn't respond she came and got me and asked what I was doing.  At that moment I "came back" and the pain came back, as I just cried and cried.  My friend then walked me home where I sat, on the floor, crying out to God. Questioning WHY. Why me? Why this? Why? Why? Why?  At that moment God spoke to me and asked "Why not you? You're strong enough, I built you for this".  Personally this is one of my biggest disagreements with God. Lbvs. I frequently ask him "Why did you make me so strong to take on all of this mess? Sometimes I just want to be a punk?"Lol. (Sort of my standing joke with him). After that conversation, God directed me to get a pen and paper and write. At that moment, I needed something, someone to take on the pain that I was feeling.  The words that God gave me were healing in THAT moment as I wrote the words on the page, releasing my heart, I could breathe a bit easier. As I continue on MY journey I still use writing, either song lyrics or just journaling. They have both been therapeutic to me. Particularly with my journal entries.  I find that they allow me to go back and reread them and learn from them.  If I had a bad day, it proves to me that I MADE IT. God brought me through it.  If it was a good day, it shows me that it isn't ALL bad.  I try to identify at least 5 good things that occurred in each day.  So even if I have a "bad" day, I still reflect on the good. Find a way to release your heart. Writing, meditating, exercising, something to release your feelings and thoughts in effort to heal.

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